I can relate to this on a lot of levels. If my mom knew I not only pulled tarot cards on a daily basis for myself, but was beginning to do it for others, publicly, I'm not sure what her response would be!
A long time ago, someone asked me, "Do you have to be understood to be loved?" At the time, my response was "YES! Of course!" Which made me feel sad because I don't believe my mother has ever really understood me. Accepted me only at times when I fit into her box of expectations, living within the confines of her own levels of comfort, but not when I was coloring outside those lines.
Now that I'm a Mother, our relationship is better than ever because I have finally made her a Grandmother. It's ironic because it has changed my perspective of her and alleviated some of the hurt, yet I know that there are sides of me I can never fully display to her, for her sake and mine. How do we live within this tension of loving but hiding?
I guess, the new truth I'm arriving at is that no one is really fully understood. We can't even properly understand ourselves, can we? So maybe the mystery helps, in this case. Maybe it can protect and offer a way of relating and loving without full exposure. I'm not sure. I'd love to hear others' stories, too!
Thank you for the added shades and layers you brought to my reflection. You’re so right and so wise — and there is so much light and serenity to be found when we choose to walk the path of compassion instead. Love, even if it feels imperfectly and conditionally given at times, is so much more visible on the horizon from here.
Thank you for your words and perspective, it has given me much to think ♥️
Oh Julia, my heart goes out to you. That is such a difficult position to be in. My situation is different than yours, but I’ve had close relationships change over time as well and had to recognize that there are things about people I love that will never change.
I think you’ve already taken a big step forward in that you’ve acknowledged that you don’t have the power to change them - most people get stuck on that and never move past it. So what you’re left with is asking how you can change your actions in the relationship (that doesn’t mean changing yourself, just how you relate to the other people).
I hope you’re able to find some healing and a way forward in this ♥️
Thank you so much for being here and bringing your heart with you!
Yes, I am realizing how much I care about them despite it all and how it's pointless for me to try to change the way they are or how they see me. You are right: it's about changing my actions and that does not mean changing who I am. I don't feel like being open about certain parts of me and I am not ready yet, but going into hermit crab mode and avoiding her doesn't help, although it protects me. It takes so much courage, thank you for reminding me about this, about how adjusting bravely and consciously my attitude and actions does not mean negating myself.
Julia! What a way to return... I listened to your words today, which I might add, your voice is beautiful and soothing. I could quite literally feel the relief when you said “finally, for the first time in over a month, I am alone.”
I feel like the holidays can put so much pressure on us all to be a certain way and I really appreciate your raw and honest feelings about family during this time. Big love to you and I hope you get plenty of time for decompression x
Aaahhh taking in all the love you’re sending with so much gratitude! It’s been a frantic period and with the end of my pregnancy approaching I am trying to slow down and choose calm as much as possible, but being back to writing (and ever so slowly catching up with reading) has been positively life-enhancing!
Thank you so much for reading and listening and writing in this space, and thank you for your warm welcome! 🕊️
Thank you for this honest and vulnerable share - sending you love. I can relate to a lot of what you say, especially it being easier to hold back from sharing the real you rather than sharing that part of yourself and just negative judgement and questioning. I've changed so much since becoming a mum nearly 10 years ago and my relationship with my mum can be fraught at times. I hate it when I can feel myself on edge because of something she's said or done that's triggered me. Growing up, my family was very much sweep everything under the carpet and don't ever talk about anything - so the hugely disruptive childhood I experienced almost feels like I imagined it because its not talked about, ever. All I can do is just not bring my kids up in the same way and be proud of myself for that. X
I can literally see myself into each and every word you typed here. Thank you so so so much for sharing your story and allowing me to feel seen in it, heard and understood in it 🙏🏼💌
You are not alone in walking with these thoughts and questions. My experience was to walk away entirely. My relationships with my family were either abusive or their was denial abuse was taking place, sometimes both. It came to a point where their lack of responsibility over their actions made it time for me to move on. Not a suggestion, but for me, who I was becoming, what I needed to heal, and to stop letting them hurt me became the most important thing. It was also impacting my mental health severely and thereby impacting my connection with my son in his first months.
Thank you from the heart for sharing this. I am holding you.
I see you. Denial about the effects that their behaviour has on you is a really difficult one to swallow for me...it's what in the past has made me question whether I am actually dreaming and overly victimising myself.
Since having my daughter, when all this blame and responsibility gets shoved back at me for being "weird" or "too sensitive" I find I am better able to take a step back and regain a clear head...because what remains unresolved within me necessarily trickles down onto her, whether I want it or not. And I wand my daughter to consider herself weird and sensitive only in the best, brightest most multi-layered ways, not as insults or "conditions".
It is truly incredible how much of a more positive and encouraging mirror she can be and how much growth she has sparked inside me.
Thank you once more for opening your heart so vulnerably, you have no idea of how much this helped...whether the bridge will hold on for me or not, I am grateful for you making me feel less alone and crazy.
You are so welcome! Our little ones are definitely here to mirror our experiences and to help us heal. I have the wound to of being weird or the outcast and I don’t want that for my son. I want him to know there is nothing wrong with doing things differently, he’s only being himself, and that’s what matters.
Thank you for sharing these deeply painful experiences with your family dear Julia, sending love to your heart. I am grateful to have a good relationship with my mother and my sister, however I realise that I am slightly separate from them and it has been that way since my teens. I have always done things slightly differently, which in the main, has been supported but there is an inexplicable distance, where I feel a need to hold back my full self with them, that I am keen to explore. Thank you for your beautiful words as ever xx
"there is an inexplicable distance, where I feel a need to hold back my full self with them", yes. At times of harmony it can feel like just a thin, sheer veil while at times of war it's a full-blown wall of fire. I am glad you chose to open up and share, this does make me feel less alone. I am also willing to explore this deeper, even if it truly frightens me. But we owe this to our children, to find our courage and face our fears gently and compassionately. Thank you as always. This is a good space ♥️.
Hello Julia! Thank you for sharing this post. Also, you taught me a new word 'ermetic', I like it.
From your writing I gather these conversations are hard to have with your family. There is a book, Nonviolent Communication: A language of Life, I recently discovered that has been really helpful in helping me to have hard and vulnerable conversations.
Hello and thank you for reading it. And thank you even more for this amazing book suggestion, this is going on my list of books for self-growth and gentle parenting (yes. I actually do have a carefully categorized Notion document for my reading list....I know).
With every comment I receive for you I am more in awe about the kind of caring, real, vulnerable, deep-feeling, thoughtful, strong and kind example of a man, father and human being your children are being so lucky to have. Thank you so much on so many levels. Truly.
I wish I could say something helpful, but I've had a similar relationship with my family of origin and am still trying to figure out how to navigate it. I know I don't feel safe being my full self around them, because they've proven to me over and over that it isn't, but I also feel I would regret not having any relationship with them more than having a shallower one.
This IS helpful. Knowing that we are not alone facing similar challenges and navigating similar whirlpools of emotions feels, albeit in its mild sadness, comforting...less lonely. I hope you know feel less alone too and that you'll find tenderness, encouragement and inspiration here, should others choose to be brave and open up too. I feel you when you say shallow, that's a word that describes perfectly: not bad, not completely broke...but shallow. The thing about shallow ends, is that there is always a deeper end on the other side of the pool/sea...a few scary steps away ♥️...which as we both know, it is easier said than done, of course.
I can relate to this on a lot of levels. If my mom knew I not only pulled tarot cards on a daily basis for myself, but was beginning to do it for others, publicly, I'm not sure what her response would be!
A long time ago, someone asked me, "Do you have to be understood to be loved?" At the time, my response was "YES! Of course!" Which made me feel sad because I don't believe my mother has ever really understood me. Accepted me only at times when I fit into her box of expectations, living within the confines of her own levels of comfort, but not when I was coloring outside those lines.
Now that I'm a Mother, our relationship is better than ever because I have finally made her a Grandmother. It's ironic because it has changed my perspective of her and alleviated some of the hurt, yet I know that there are sides of me I can never fully display to her, for her sake and mine. How do we live within this tension of loving but hiding?
I guess, the new truth I'm arriving at is that no one is really fully understood. We can't even properly understand ourselves, can we? So maybe the mystery helps, in this case. Maybe it can protect and offer a way of relating and loving without full exposure. I'm not sure. I'd love to hear others' stories, too!
Thank you for sharing yours. 💗
Thank you for the added shades and layers you brought to my reflection. You’re so right and so wise — and there is so much light and serenity to be found when we choose to walk the path of compassion instead. Love, even if it feels imperfectly and conditionally given at times, is so much more visible on the horizon from here.
Thank you for your words and perspective, it has given me much to think ♥️
Oh Julia, my heart goes out to you. That is such a difficult position to be in. My situation is different than yours, but I’ve had close relationships change over time as well and had to recognize that there are things about people I love that will never change.
I think you’ve already taken a big step forward in that you’ve acknowledged that you don’t have the power to change them - most people get stuck on that and never move past it. So what you’re left with is asking how you can change your actions in the relationship (that doesn’t mean changing yourself, just how you relate to the other people).
I hope you’re able to find some healing and a way forward in this ♥️
Thank you so much for being here and bringing your heart with you!
Yes, I am realizing how much I care about them despite it all and how it's pointless for me to try to change the way they are or how they see me. You are right: it's about changing my actions and that does not mean changing who I am. I don't feel like being open about certain parts of me and I am not ready yet, but going into hermit crab mode and avoiding her doesn't help, although it protects me. It takes so much courage, thank you for reminding me about this, about how adjusting bravely and consciously my attitude and actions does not mean negating myself.
Deeply grateful to you. ♥️
Julia! What a way to return... I listened to your words today, which I might add, your voice is beautiful and soothing. I could quite literally feel the relief when you said “finally, for the first time in over a month, I am alone.”
I feel like the holidays can put so much pressure on us all to be a certain way and I really appreciate your raw and honest feelings about family during this time. Big love to you and I hope you get plenty of time for decompression x
Aaahhh taking in all the love you’re sending with so much gratitude! It’s been a frantic period and with the end of my pregnancy approaching I am trying to slow down and choose calm as much as possible, but being back to writing (and ever so slowly catching up with reading) has been positively life-enhancing!
Thank you so much for reading and listening and writing in this space, and thank you for your warm welcome! 🕊️
Thank you for this honest and vulnerable share - sending you love. I can relate to a lot of what you say, especially it being easier to hold back from sharing the real you rather than sharing that part of yourself and just negative judgement and questioning. I've changed so much since becoming a mum nearly 10 years ago and my relationship with my mum can be fraught at times. I hate it when I can feel myself on edge because of something she's said or done that's triggered me. Growing up, my family was very much sweep everything under the carpet and don't ever talk about anything - so the hugely disruptive childhood I experienced almost feels like I imagined it because its not talked about, ever. All I can do is just not bring my kids up in the same way and be proud of myself for that. X
I can literally see myself into each and every word you typed here. Thank you so so so much for sharing your story and allowing me to feel seen in it, heard and understood in it 🙏🏼💌
You are not alone in walking with these thoughts and questions. My experience was to walk away entirely. My relationships with my family were either abusive or their was denial abuse was taking place, sometimes both. It came to a point where their lack of responsibility over their actions made it time for me to move on. Not a suggestion, but for me, who I was becoming, what I needed to heal, and to stop letting them hurt me became the most important thing. It was also impacting my mental health severely and thereby impacting my connection with my son in his first months.
Thank you from the heart for sharing this. I am holding you.
I see you. Denial about the effects that their behaviour has on you is a really difficult one to swallow for me...it's what in the past has made me question whether I am actually dreaming and overly victimising myself.
Since having my daughter, when all this blame and responsibility gets shoved back at me for being "weird" or "too sensitive" I find I am better able to take a step back and regain a clear head...because what remains unresolved within me necessarily trickles down onto her, whether I want it or not. And I wand my daughter to consider herself weird and sensitive only in the best, brightest most multi-layered ways, not as insults or "conditions".
It is truly incredible how much of a more positive and encouraging mirror she can be and how much growth she has sparked inside me.
Thank you once more for opening your heart so vulnerably, you have no idea of how much this helped...whether the bridge will hold on for me or not, I am grateful for you making me feel less alone and crazy.
You are so welcome! Our little ones are definitely here to mirror our experiences and to help us heal. I have the wound to of being weird or the outcast and I don’t want that for my son. I want him to know there is nothing wrong with doing things differently, he’s only being himself, and that’s what matters.
Thank you for sharing these deeply painful experiences with your family dear Julia, sending love to your heart. I am grateful to have a good relationship with my mother and my sister, however I realise that I am slightly separate from them and it has been that way since my teens. I have always done things slightly differently, which in the main, has been supported but there is an inexplicable distance, where I feel a need to hold back my full self with them, that I am keen to explore. Thank you for your beautiful words as ever xx
"there is an inexplicable distance, where I feel a need to hold back my full self with them", yes. At times of harmony it can feel like just a thin, sheer veil while at times of war it's a full-blown wall of fire. I am glad you chose to open up and share, this does make me feel less alone. I am also willing to explore this deeper, even if it truly frightens me. But we owe this to our children, to find our courage and face our fears gently and compassionately. Thank you as always. This is a good space ♥️.
Hello Julia! Thank you for sharing this post. Also, you taught me a new word 'ermetic', I like it.
From your writing I gather these conversations are hard to have with your family. There is a book, Nonviolent Communication: A language of Life, I recently discovered that has been really helpful in helping me to have hard and vulnerable conversations.
Here's the link: https://a.co/d/2GssgQI
Here are the 4 main tenets:
-Observation
-Feeling
-Need
-Request
Think of these from your perspective but ask your family too...
In my own life, I'm starting to understand new experiences can only follow new actions.
I enjoy your writing, thank you again.
Hello and thank you for reading it. And thank you even more for this amazing book suggestion, this is going on my list of books for self-growth and gentle parenting (yes. I actually do have a carefully categorized Notion document for my reading list....I know).
With every comment I receive for you I am more in awe about the kind of caring, real, vulnerable, deep-feeling, thoughtful, strong and kind example of a man, father and human being your children are being so lucky to have. Thank you so much on so many levels. Truly.
Thank you for the kind words 🙏🏾. Your writing is contemplative and I end up searching my own experiences and identifying ways I can relate.
The comments are kind of like letters back to you. Penpals!
I wish I could say something helpful, but I've had a similar relationship with my family of origin and am still trying to figure out how to navigate it. I know I don't feel safe being my full self around them, because they've proven to me over and over that it isn't, but I also feel I would regret not having any relationship with them more than having a shallower one.
This IS helpful. Knowing that we are not alone facing similar challenges and navigating similar whirlpools of emotions feels, albeit in its mild sadness, comforting...less lonely. I hope you know feel less alone too and that you'll find tenderness, encouragement and inspiration here, should others choose to be brave and open up too. I feel you when you say shallow, that's a word that describes perfectly: not bad, not completely broke...but shallow. The thing about shallow ends, is that there is always a deeper end on the other side of the pool/sea...a few scary steps away ♥️...which as we both know, it is easier said than done, of course.
I'm grateful you decided to share this. It definitely is helpful feeling less alone. I hope one day it will be safe for us to wade deeper.